I've always attempt to mend and reconcile when there is little to no hope. You would think after all the experience I've had with failing relationships, I would know what to do. I do, in truth, I just never prevent it. I try to explain the reasoning for my actions and they're usually misunderstood or simply unwarranted.
I'm talking about this woman I know. I've blogged about her before, and she happens to visit my blog, but I doubt she knows I'm talking about her. I'm pretty ambiguous when I need to be, and since I don't want to bother her anymore and seem like a weirdo stalker, I figured I would alleviate some of the stress on here.
I can call her my friend, but she's much more than that. She isn't my lady, but I would worry about her as if she was. It was my way of showing her that I did care about her, even when I couldn't hang out with her, smoke with her, just be myself with her...no. Our communication primarily involved text messaging and direct messaging, occasionally if more wanted to be said there was an email. Phone conversations were rare and video chat almost non existent. Our friendship was solely solidified through text.
A first, I honestly didn't expect too much out of her. She was pretty, now she's beautiful, but then she was pretty, just another female. Our conversation changed that and the roles reversed...I was more ensnared with her than she was with me...and I didn't want her to leave. She was the type of woman I wanted in my life for a while now, a woman I was mentally in sync with. That is her. She's such a treasure to me, I treat her more like a prize than an actual human sometimes, and through that thinking I may have fucked up our friendship.
I rarely initiate communication with her first, not because I don't miss her, nor want to talk to her (obviously I do, I'm blogging about her), but because I simply didn't want her to get bored of me, to get bored of us, because I didn't want her out of my life like that. I could part with essentially every female in the world and wouldn't even torment myself over it. She's not every female. She's...her. I miss her. The pedestal I put her on is unlike any other. Haaaa.
Funny. I got that from her.