I never go too much into detail when I post a blog on here, nor do I update on any type of reconciliation to my problems. I was asked this, the immediate answer was "I'm lazy." Such a point would make sense, seeing as I update the blog sporadically at best now.
I have a name for the type of love I display. It's broken love, it's the result of being abused for majority of my childhood until I was 15. Let's proceed past that, this isn't a therapy session, this is me explaining my love...my love for the fucking bitches I have been with.
A character so flawed that it shined in his transparent aura, a permanent scowl embedded on his face, brows arched downward, indicating his disappointment.
To show that he cares, he doesn't. to show his affection, he instead displays coldness and hatred. They ask why and he shrugs. The exterior, which is as icy as a gust from the Arctic, hides something much more pure, genuine, but he forced that into submission. The cold, a foreigner before, brings a wave of sick pleasure over him, his psyche becoming more damaged, more flawed, trotting a handful of secrets and burdens not to be shared with anyone.
It's a known fact I talk about my life through prose and illusions, I display how fucked up I am, how my fucked up nature still persuades me to find a female companion, only to fuck her up the same way I fucked up all of the others. They all forged acceptance until it became too much, kicked me out of their lives, but wanted to maintain a leash on our "friendship", a figment of their imaginations. I don't consider any of them real friends; I don't confide in them anymore; I've eliminated that aspect.
I feel pieces of my humanity slip away a lot. I've attempted to project a humanistic personality, but it feels so...unnatural. Smiling, talking, social interaction, I hate it. Darkness, quietness, loneliness. I've come to be content with it.
I hate that side of me...that warm, loving side. The side has continuously fucked me for the some of the biggest disappointments, and had probably induced much more inner pain than I have ever experienced physically.
How cold can I go?