Wednesday, July 8, 2015

I'm completely at a crossroads in my life right now. Once again, I'm afforded the opportunity to be my own person, albeit with certain restrictions, but I'm once again taking control of my life and attempting to ascend to a level that i know I should have already eclipsed. 24, employed full-time, and finally living life on the rules that are set before me, instead of being the rebel that I for so long glorified, attempting to convince myself that I was comfortable with the way i was living, when in reality, I lived in a fictional world that was induced primarily because of the lack of fucks alcohol allowed me to give, only waking up when my "turn up" money had depleted, or when the police were summoned because of my intense irrationality, and my constant justification of such.

As a former stoner, I look at the drinker that I had become, and have nothing but disgust for that side of me. From enjoying a few shots to drinking an entire pint of alcohol to fucking look forward to after a shitty retail job, it was one of the most pathetic times of my life, and in true alcoholic-Tim fashion, I hid it quite well, only slipping when the intoxication superseded my rationality, to the point of complete blackouts while still somehow interacting with other people.

I miss the marijuana and the memories it allowed me to experience. From driving up and down New Jersey fixing computers and phones, to just smoking out in my car inventing new ways to make money, it was a reality that played like a dream, and my descent to alcoholic played moreso a dream that was reality. In other words, I was happy before. I'm miserable now.

Making a conscious effort to realize that I cannot continue to live this way and be productive in my life, but I still long for the isolation and my hypno-sedatives. 

Progress. Or something like it. I can sustain extended periods of sobriety now, which is an significant improvement from a 375ml bottle nightly (on a good night, anyway) but I still miss it. 

Is that my sickness? 

No comments:

Post a Comment