Sunday, July 5, 2015


It's been a long time since I've had the time to talk on here. I haven't typed, written anything meaningful in years, and I finally had my own awakening just a few hours ago. It all happened at an AA meeting, where I was able to deduce my own internal darkness, and face it completely.
My ex girlfriend was consistently right, all of the time, and I never gave her the time of day on her opinion of my problems. I was the "intelligent" one, mind you, book-wise, but not mentally. Mentally, I was an idiotic fuck who ignored those who I was superior to intellectually, and at 24, I realize my ignorance hindered me from seeking out the true problem of my anger, my fucking mother.

At 22, I had it all. Car, I worked for myself, I had a beautiful woman I could claim as my own, and I was attending college. Some would claim that my life was "great", but I never felt like that. I began to abuse marijuana to achieve a severe spike in my endorphins, because it was never enough. Ever. Nothing made me completely happy. I needed marijuana to fill a void that I, for years, stated it was because of the abuse I suffered as a child, mainly through my step-father. I was able to realize that, while he played a part in my dysfunction as a child, he wasn't the root, just a fucking branch that I isolated as the problem. It wasn't until I lost nearly everything and was forced to move back down to Maryland, that I figured out it wasn't him that I harbored my anger towards. It was her.
I beat the shit out that man nearly a year ago. I put him in the hospital, I bruised him physically and mentally. I told everyone that once I released all of this anger I had contained at him, I would be "fixed". Beating the shit out of him, while it served my ego extensively, it didn't solve shit. Before I knew it, I became an alcoholic, because it started to release the "real" me. The unfiltered "I don't give a shit about your opinion and fuck you by the way" me. It made me superficially happy, only while I had the drink inside of me. It didn't last once my body purged the ethanol out of my system. It didn't occur to me that maybe she was the stress in my life that I didn't let go. That she was the root cause of everything. That she was the enabler.

I figured that out once I voluntarily checked myself into a recovery house. Initially, I even regretted, and at times fought the decision to move into here, but I can honestly say it was the best thing that has happened to me. I'm mostly sober, I no longer feel the burdens and responsibilities in my life that I unfairly had placed on me. I no longer have to worry about my money being stolen from my own mother, I do not have to be subjected to the persistent abuse from my mother that, at times, made me want to shove a knife deep into her chest and watch her suffer in pain slowly, as I had to do for years.
I'm away now. My endorphins escape, and there's not a need for the alcohol or the marijuana to force their expulsion. It's a beautiful feeling. I'm not fixed yet, but I'm starting to reach a point that I can accept my life as my life, and worry about Timothy. For years, I was worried about things that I had no real reason to worry about. I realized that my mother was dragging me down, and that's the reason she was unable to find a consistent partner in her life. I realized that, once the cancer is removed, there's the possibility of recovery.

So here I am.

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